On panties and acceptancy

Ok, let me try and explain myself here: there are some stuff in this world that some countries just do better than others. They just do. The drill is usually one country starts doing something really well, basically better than anyone else. And with time, every other country just acknowledge it and start taking that other country’s good job as a benchmark and kind of start copying it.

Confusing? Ok, take France, with wine. Ta-da! Success!! So France started to make wine, like, ages ago. And it kind of turned out good. And then great. And then awesome. And so today when you think about what should be the world’s best wine (ohhh those thoughts that haunt us just before we fall asleep), you probably think it’s a French wine. And because of that every other country tries to emulate the French way to do wine, which makes sense. And basically this model works for a bunch of stuff, like Russian vodka, Spanish ham, Greek yogurt and German husbands (aaaww…). Just good old resource optimization, survivor of the strongest or whatever Darwin/Beakman would like to call it.

It’s stuff that, with time, the world somehow knows that THAT way in which THAT country does something is just better. Period. And that’s fine, I mean, there’s no reason to feel defeated here, get jealous and awkwardly insist on your local crappy version (sushi restaurants who think that cream-cheese filled Temakis are a thing, I’m talking to you!). Let’s just embrace the superior version created by another country, no hard feelings, and move on.

And here I am thinking that this model was pretty much established with Brazilian panties.

Not really.

Everybody knows that, for decades, European and American women (I say survivors!) lived in the shadows of duality between the “old-granny’s panties” and the “I’m-a-Victoria’s-Secret-model-and-my-perfectly- worked-out- ass-can-open-a-beer-bottle thread thongs”

I know, sad story.

On one hand, old-granny panties, pinnacle of the anti-aesthetic, worst enemy of one’s leggings and pencil skirts. That panty that yep, was pretty comfortable, but would make even Gigi Hadid unappealing.

On the other, the thong. A panty that could be considered sexy (meh) but that insists to crawl itself into unknown depths of one’s body in a way that it is impossible to remain remotely elegant. Or in a good mood.

And meanwhile, in tropical lands: shazam!! A panty designed to perfection! A beautiful balance between comfort and aesthetics, simple, efficient, beautiful. An ode to the profound comprehension of what it is to be a woman, a wonder of modern engineering. State of the art design.

The Brazilian panty.

So in the past few years globalization, the Internet of things, millenials with too much free time and gym’s dressing room selfies spread the word about the Brazilian panty to the world. And what would you expect? The obvious extinction of any other failed and obviously inappropriate panty shape. One was never to grin over a granny-panty on a strangers’ laundry basket again or witness the oh-so-embarrassing tucking-off of a thong in one’s life. Amen!

Right?

Well, from my experience, I know that Spain has pretty much caught up with the trend – you would still eventually find a granny-panty on a clearance of a $4,99 shop and the thong does still have some popularity (guess Spaniards just have a fuckin’ a-mazing bottle-opener ass…) but what’s really hot right now is the “brasileña” model. Naturally.

So last week here I am, in beautiful Boston, in this boring old task of shopping for underwear (yep, glad to share this moment with you here), to replace old “what ARE all these stains!?” panties and what do I find, ladies and gentlemen???!

Dozens of granny panties!

Piles of thongs!

?!?!?!

Let me tell you, I’ve tried. Oh, god knows I have. I’ve looked around, tried some outlets, fancy lingerie shops (only to find EXPENSIVE granny panties!. !!!. ), even tried Victoria’s Secrets, which I would assume it would be more edgy panty-wise.

Nope, nada!! Got home empty-f*-handed.

Why? Why, America? Why my dear people of Massachusetts? Obama, please help me out here – is there still time to do something about it?

I mean, come on you’re like world reference for so much stuff! You’ve got freakin’ Hollywood, you guys! NASA! You’ve invented the George Foreman grill! You have Las Vegas! Jay-Z!

Seriously. Why don’t you just drop the act and face it that in this very VERY small aspect of life, which is the panty, America has just failed. Is it so hard to ask you folks to accept the fact the Brazilian panty design is just plain superior? I think it’s time. It’s time to let go and let the Brazilian panty conquer the (shelf/…groin?)-space it deserves, once and for all.

So here’s my plead. In case Obama ever reads this post.

 

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